Relationships, or connection to other human beings, is one of the most core needs of life.  We need oxygen, water, nutrition and relationships.  At the end of the day, the quality of our lives IS the quality of our relationships.

The Mental Health Foundation defines relationship as “the way two or more people are connect, or the state of being connected.”  I would suggest that it’s the most potent factor in almost any situation: in the boardroom, in the bedroom, on the playground, and with our friends and family.

Because relationships are so complicated, most adults struggle with them to some degree.  Our kids are struggling the same way… while developing their identity, growing into an adult, learning how the external world works and how to navigate it successfully.  You know, normal kid stuff.

Our relationship with our child is extremely important.  It’s the means through which all we hope to give them is passed.  Therefore, we are wise to look at our connection with our kids (regardless of their age) to ensure it’s healthy and effective.

Let’s look at the ingredients for healthy relationships through the lens of a parent.

Being seen and recognized by another.

We live in a world where, if you’re not THE MOST AMAZING, BEST SUPERSTAR IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, you may be deemed unworthy of attention.

I don’t have to tell you that your kid needs attention. LOTS of it.  The process of being seen, valued and loved just as we are is part of what helps set up a strong sense of self to take into the world.  Recognizing your child tells them that they are important and worthy just as they are.

Being understood and validated for who we are authentically.

Asking questions about your child’s life is a good way to help you understand them.

Validating a child means affirming who they are and what they bring to the table.  That means they can safely show up a fired-up mess (as we all do from time to time) or a broken, confused puddle and we don’t judge them.  We meet them where they are and try to understand their journey.

Giving support for life’s many challenges.

This life is a tough one.  It’s not meant to be lived alone.  Remind your child often that you’re always in their corner.

To help them belong in a healthy community.

Once we’ve got our physiological needs met and we’re physically safe and secure, we next need love and belonging.  Belonging begins in your family.  Make clear to your child that they are an important part of your team.  It also means helping them to find a healthy tribe to be part of.

To combat loneliness.

We all experience loneliness and it can be very painful.  In fact, loneliness increases the risk of dying earlier than average by 45%.  Communicate often that your child isn’t alone – in your home, at school, in the world.  And it isn’t just about being around other people.  It’s about – you guessed it -being connected to them.

Share experiences and things that are meaningful.

That may mean listening to a looooot of stories about Pokemon, watching TicTok videos that are “hilarious” or other things we as parents have difficulty connecting with.  Remember, the goal isn’t to get you to be interested in those things.  It’s about understanding why it’s important to your kid.

Trust, emotional safety and security.

Like or not, we’re the first template our children make for how people operate in the world.  Being trustworthy, safe and consistent toward your child are great traits to instill a confidence to go into the world.

It also means letting our children know that all their messy, unpredictable, volatile emotions are not good or bad.  They just are.  Our children need to have the safety to feel their feelings so we can teach them how to manage them.  In other words, it’s okay to be mad, but not to be bad.

Healthy boundaries.

Speaking of, all this acceptance doesn’t mean we don’t set limits on behavior when it’s needed.  We have to set limits for our children until they are able to internalize them and set them for themselves.  They may not like it (and often won’t!), but having a positive relationship lays the groundwork for your child to be more receptive.  As the saying goes, ‘Correction without connection equals defection.’

Of course, how we apply these ingredients varies depending upon the age of our children, their temperament and personality.  And that can get complicated.  A good place to start is to ask, “What does my child need right now?”  Then give yourself space to think about it.  If you have a partner, talk through different approaches to see what seems to be more likely to be successful.

Join us November 14th to learn more about building connection with your kids.

One of BStrong Together’s goals is to connect parents with each other.  On November 14^th, we are hosting our second Coffee & Conversation – Parents Supporting Parents.  We’re going to present a very brief summation of connection and which will be followed by a relaxed conversation about what’s working in other households.  If you have a question about how to connect with your child, regardless of age, I hope you’ll consider coming.  There will be a morning session from 9:00 – 10:30am and an evening session from 6:00 – 7:30pm. Both events will be held at the Barrington Area Library.