In the previous article about building connection and trust into your young child’s bedtime we talked about getting the timing right, bedtime boundaries and the inner work, family sleep rules, and picking a method. Before you move forward with putting your method to the test, you want to focus on the most important part. Keep reading for the next 3 tips!

5.    Build connection into their bedtime routine

Before you start your chosen method I recommend focusing on one more thing….. connection. Our young children depend on their attachment to us for their survival. When the lights go out and we say “goodnight, see you tomorrow!” this marks the potentially longest period of time when they’ll be without us.

We need to cherish and prioritize connecting with our child before we turn the lights out on the day. If you’re rushing through your bedtime routine, your child will sense this.

I recommend incorporating some age-appropriate mindfulness techniques into your bedtime routine to help them calm their bodies so that meaningful connection can take place. The internet is a great source of meditation and breathwork techniques for kids. This should take no more than 1-2 minutes.

Once your child is more relaxed you can move on to finishing up your routine. At this point, you can say goodnight and leave your child to finish the job of falling asleep. Or, you could add in one more connection point. I love to guide families through a reflection circle process as the last activity before we turn the lights out.

Pick a trait you want your child to develop and carry with them into adulthood such as bravery, perseverance, or resiliency. Ask them (if they’re three or older), “When was a time you showed how brave you are today?” Be prepared to answer the question yourself, especially if your child is younger.

If they aren’t able to come up with their own example, you can say, “I saw you standing at the top of that big slide today. You looked nervous but then you took a deep breath and went for it! You had the biggest smile on your face! You are so brave, and you must feel so proud of yourself!”

Finding this positivity in your child’s personality and their day lets them know you are paying attention to them and that you see all the good inside of them. It’s such a great way to end the night!

6.    Be consistent

Now, just because you’ve followed some or all of the advice you’ve just read, does not mean leaving your child’s room once you say goodnight will magically become easier. Your child will have big feelings, they will protest, and you will be tested. The more lovingly firm you can hold true to your boundaries the easier your child will eventually relax into the new routine. If you do waver from your sleep rules and boundaries, you’re letting your child know that it’s optional for them to follow them (this is assuming your child is not sick or having any sort of medical issue).

7.    Practice trust during the day

Let’s face it, bedtime can be one of the worst times of the day to start something new. Everyone is tired, some are cranky, and our capacity to follow through is limited. Practice showing your child follow through during the day to help with carryover into the night. Start using the language “once more” and “all done”. Then follow through.

When playing a game during the day: “We are going to play this game once more”. After you play once more, say, “Now we are all done.” You can use the same game for going down slides at the park or reading books.

Using this language will help your child start to understand that what you say is true, will be true. What you say you will do is what you will actually do. If you say “once more” but then they get to do it 2 or 3 more times, how will they know the same isn’t true at bedtime? You say it’s bedtime and that you mean business, but do you really?

Once our children trust our connection, they can rest

Now that my boys are 8 years old, they have a healthy outlook on sleep. Since we experienced such success establishing trust at bedtime, we use a similar approach for tricky scenarios that pop up now that they’re older. Sometimes they get upset because they can’t play that popular but violent video game or have a sleepover at a friend’s house. I try to remember that they don’t have the capacity to make the best choices just yet. I’m able to guide them to other activities despite their unhappiness with my decision. They may be upset, but it’s usually short lived. I’m not completely naïve to believe they aren’t playing some of those games when they are out of my sight, but again, they’re only 8 years old.

Parenting is hard, and I’m certain I haven’t even gotten to the really tough parts yet. I do know that teaching my kids to make healthy and safe choices is of utmost important to me and my husband. You can have boundaries and be loving at the same time.

No matter your starting point or the age of your child, know that you can always do something to improve your life when it comes to sleep. If you’re too tired to figure it out on your own, find an expert to help you. Remember that you are the one leading your family and that working on sleep is an exercise in trust. Once our children can trust that what we say we will do is what we’ll actually do, they can rest their bodies, close their eyes, and have the best night of sleep!